Breakfast with my mother.

16 Jul

I think it’s been a month since I’ve been losing my apetite; God only knows why, but I still seat down with my mother to have breakfast every Saturday and every Sunday.

So, today. Today I sat down with my mother and made the greatest effort to eat those scrambled eggs and drink my big mimosa while I listened to her. I looked at her and listened to every little word she said very carefully, because I know she really wants to be heard. She told me about how she went to sleep at 2:30 am, not because she couldn’t sleep, but because she spent her night talking and laughing with someone for over four hours. Oh! What a joy. What a joy to look at her smile while she’s telling me about all she talked and laughed last night.

You see, my mother’s been hurt so much in her entire life and to see her smile and laugh, and not be depressed is truly a great feeling.

I didn’t finish my breakfast and she didn’t ask. I didn’t talked about anything that had to do with my life and she didn’t ask. I had nothing to say about my days and she didn’t ask. I didn’t eat much yesterday or came out of my room, and she didn’t ask. She didn’t brought the same topics we discuss over and over again, and it was calm. So I just continued listening to what she had to say, turning off my own thoughts because at that moment it wasn’t about me, but about her. She finally let go and understood that my personal life should be kept that way. That I cannot tell her everything and it’s ok. That she can share with me anything and everything she decides to share and it’s ok. That I will always listen and be there for her, because no matter what has happened in the past or continues to happen, she is and will always be mom.

-J

Perfect Match

15 Jul

Because if it wasn’t enough.. I found the most beautiful piece of writing I have ever read. This was written by person back when we were together and once again my heart just breaks.

heartbeatsinwords

I should be sleeping right now, but I can’t stop thinking about the fact that I told that I have been meaning to write some thoughts for the past few days, but didn’t know how to “put them into words” – as you said, and that I should try and that thought kept me awake. There went the first sentence, now it goes straight from here.

I have been thinking, and I’ve caught myself a couple of times smiling for no reason and then I realize that is just little thoughts that come up randomly, little thoughts, about you. Then, when I notice…I start analyzing so much, details and come to the conclusion that everything, absolutely everything is beautiful. I was thinking and as flashbacks came back, just little moments, I said to myself: “she’s my perfect match”. I’ve been waiting for such a long time, and I say it not because…

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“Marry Me” Memories.

14 Jul

So, I wanted to write again and let every thought out, because I am truly tired of not speaking and just holding everything back. I decided to keep writing on this (old) blog, instead of just opening a new one.

I think it would have been a better idea to start from scratch, but there are memories in this blog I’d like to keep, because they belong to the same person. The one I want to write about.

Being that said; I decided to read what I had written here and the first post I see is “Marry Me” and I have to admit, it just broke me.

It really broke my heart to see that I wanted to marry someone and never did anything about it. What was I waiting? For her to magically asked me between our cloudy days we were having? Why did she had to ask me? Because I’m a woman and it was my dream for someone to ask me the wonderful question “Will you marry me?” “Will you do me the honor of being my wife?” What for? She is also a woman.

Oh! But when years pass, you’re not with her anymore and someone pops up the question.. you ask yourself “Why?” “Why ask me?” “Why you?” “Where’s my life going?” “Why am I with this person, when I have never stopped loving you?” “What have I done?”

But I see clearly. I see and understand that you have to act on what you truly feel. You can’t wait for life to take you someplace it wants. YOU have to take yourself where you want to be. YOU have to act on what you want without waiting for the other person to take the next step. But most importantly, you have to fight for what you want; and I should have fought. I should have fought with you, and who knows? Maybe right now, you would’ve been my wife.

-J

I am truly sorry.

10 Jul

I am holding my laptop with a thousand thoughts, trying to figure out how to put them into words. The thing is; I don’t know how to do it, because there is so much to say. I can’t even begin to say how sorry I am. Yes. I am sorry. Extremely sorry.

Every day I ask myself; “how can you hurt the one thing you love the most?” and I still don’t have a concrete answer.

You. Yes, you. My better half. My person.

You have been the person that I have loved the most in my entire life. I have lived with you the greatest moments to ever tell. I had a home with you. The only place I can actually call by that name, “home”. You are the greatest love of my life, my soulmate; yet, you’re not by my side right now and it’s all my fault. You do not hurt what you love, but unfortunately I did, because I didn’t know better. Twice.

I never wanted or meant to hurt you, but I did. You hurt me too, but that doesn’t even matter right now. It wasn’t my first time and I’m sorry. I’m sorry I never opened up to you when I should have. I’m sorry I didn’t show you enough the love I felt for you. I’m sorry that I decided to drown in my own depression without you even knowing. I’m sorry that it came a time where I couldn’t feel anything and I didn’t talked to you about it.

I’m sorry that I cried because I didn’t know what was happening to me and you never knew. I’m sorry that all the anger I ever felt I had to take it upon you. I’m sorry I didn’t fight for us when you fought so hard. I’m sorry I gave up and did what I did when I clearly had feelings for you still. I’m sorry that we had to grow apart and experience what we had to experience in other relationships, when we should’ve been living the greatest moments of our new chapter. I am sorry for everything, but especially for realising you were my whole world a little too late and didn’t do anything to get you right back.

It’s been three (3) years of our breakup and I still think of you and love you just as much, maybe even more. I have learned and grown so much; and I would love to make it up to you like I’ve never had. I would love to show you love the way I didn’t show you. I would love to tell you the things I never said. I would love to meet you all over again and fall in love with you every day a little more. I would love many things, but I can’t do much; not when you don’t want me, and I understand. I do.

You deserve to be shown affection every day. You deserve to be touched every hour and kissed every minute. You deserve attention. You deserve happiness. You deserve the entire universe at your feet. You deserve everything your heart wishes to have and more.

If I don’t ever get the change to use all my energies to make you happy, I just wish someone does. That would be all I ask for; your happiness, not mine; but yours, because that is love.

My heart will always be yours. Always.
I am truly sorry.

Until I see you again,

-J

Quote

“Marry me.”

3 Nov

“Marry me. Let’s spend our week nights eating cereal on the floor when there is a perfectly fine table behind us. We can go to the movies and sit in the back row, just to make out like kids falling in love for the first time. Marry me. We’ll paint the rooms of our house and get more paint on us than the walls. We can hold hands and go to parties we end up ditching to drink wine out of the bottle in the bathtub. Marry me, and slow dance with me in our bedroom with an unmade bed and candles on the nightstands. Let me love you forever. Marry me.”

I believe it’s beautiful when you know and feel like you’ve found the one. I feel like I have found the her. I love and am in love with my girlfriend and I honestly do NOT see myself without her. I don’t know what I’d do without her. She’s my girl, my lover, my best friend, my partner in crime.. my everything and I want to spend the rest of my life with her.

I find myself..

25 Aug

Here I am sitting outside the Ben & Jerry’s store, appreciating the fresh air, some music, cars passing by, people talking.. and all I can think about is the girl that’s inside the store working. The girl that is always wandering my mind at any time of the day.

That girl is my ex girlfriend, and no.. don’t get me wrong, I’m not a stalker. I’m waiting for her shift to end so I can give her one last kiss for the day.

We had the most beautiful relationship, it went beyond just sex and the duties of a girlfriend, but life happens and that relationship ended. I guess I can just say that I was pretty damaged and dragged that relationship into a big hole which was the end of it, but here I am again.

I’m here to get her back. I’ve never felt so strong about someone or something, makes me feel more scared than I’ve ever been. Like Tegan and Sara said: “I feel it in my bones”. I feel that we are meant to be together. I’m sorry that we had to go through a lot for me to realize it, but I do. I know it now and I feel like she, deep down, feels it and knows it too. Being that said, I will fight for her, against all odds.

So, here I am, at Ben & Jerry’s and I still find myself thinking and waiting for the girl I want in my life forever to end her shift so I can kiss her goodnight, until the next day I see her.

Quote

Honesty.

22 Aug

“I love unmade beds. I love when people are drunk and crying and cannot be anything but honest in that moment. I love the look in people’s eyes when they realize they’re in love. I love the way people look when they first wake up and they’ve forgotten their surroundings. I love the gasp people take when their favorite character dies. I love when people close their eyes and drift to somewhere in the clouds. I fall in love with people and their honest moments all the time. I fall in love with their breakdowns and their smeared makeup and their daydreams. Honesty is just too beautiful to ever put into words.”

– Unknown

This is simply beautiful. I love and respect honesty, which many people lack of these days.