Children

He, she or them, would’ve been 10 years old.

I honestly don’t know why I’m thinking about this today. Maybe it’s because of a video I saw a few hours back about a baby boy crying while all his dad could do was comfort him and let him know that he would be there with him no matter what. It is so beautiful when parents know how to treat their children with love, affection and respect instead of ignoring or mistreating them in any way.

I lost a baby when I was young and it scared me. It was a physically painful experience and one that brought some guilt. I felt guilty in so many ways. When I found out I was pregnant, my world fell apart because I was so young, I thought my life might’ve been ruined and that my mom would kill me. When I had the miscarriage, I do admit I had a little relief in a way, because I wasn’t ready to care for myself, let alone a baby. That also made me feel guilty. I had nightmares of dead baby girls. It wasn’t pretty.

I thought there was something wrong with me, with my body. I still think there is, although medically speaking, tests and labs are always fine. Thing is, not so long ago; before my last period, I thought I was pregnant and I was panicking a bit. There were so many thoughts going through my mind. What if I was in fact pregnant? What if I lose a baby again? How would all of it affect me now? Would I have told him (the father), and how would he have reacted? How would I had handled it, considering we’re in the middle of a pandemic? I was really worried, but okay at the same time; either way, it all went away when my monthly visit arrived.

Do I want to have children? I mean, it would be a difficult experience; but it would also be beautiful to be able to shape a little me into a wonderful, caring, loving, independent, strong and intelligent human being. Now, I don’t know if I’ll ever be a mom, but I’m good with whatever happens in the future. I admit I once bought a series of “letters to my child” so I could write letters while he or she grew up and I could give them one day. I’ve tried to throw it away or give it to someone that will give it use, but I haven’t been able to do so. Anyways, I don’t know what the future holds, but if I ever do become a mother, I hope it’s while I’m in a loving and healthy relationship and not in a broken environment. But if I’m honest, I don’t think having a child is a good idea with the world as it is. So maybe everything do happens for a reason and I have to keep being okay with it.

“Speak to your children as if they are the wisest, kindest, most beautiful and magical humans on Earth, for what they believe is what they’ll become.”

Brooke hamptom