Children

He, she or them, would’ve been 10 years old.

I honestly don’t know why I’m thinking about this today. Maybe it’s because of a video I saw a few hours back about a baby boy crying while all his dad could do was comfort him and let him know that he would be there with him no matter what. It is so beautiful when parents know how to treat their children with love, affection and respect instead of ignoring or mistreating them in any way.

I lost a baby when I was young and it scared me. It was a physically painful experience and one that brought some guilt. I felt guilty in so many ways. When I found out I was pregnant, my world fell apart because I was so young, I thought my life might’ve been ruined and that my mom would kill me. When I had the miscarriage, I do admit I had a little relief in a way, because I wasn’t ready to care for myself, let alone a baby. That also made me feel guilty. I had nightmares of dead baby girls. It wasn’t pretty.

I thought there was something wrong with me, with my body. I still think there is, although medically speaking, tests and labs are always fine. Thing is, not so long ago; before my last period, I thought I was pregnant and I was panicking a bit. There were so many thoughts going through my mind. What if I was in fact pregnant? What if I lose a baby again? How would all of it affect me now? Would I have told him (the father), and how would he have reacted? How would I had handled it, considering we’re in the middle of a pandemic? I was really worried, but okay at the same time; either way, it all went away when my monthly visit arrived.

Do I want to have children? I mean, it would be a difficult experience; but it would also be beautiful to be able to shape a little me into a wonderful, caring, loving, independent, strong and intelligent human being. Now, I don’t know if I’ll ever be a mom, but I’m good with whatever happens in the future. I admit I once bought a series of “letters to my child” so I could write letters while he or she grew up and I could give them one day. I’ve tried to throw it away or give it to someone that will give it use, but I haven’t been able to do so. Anyways, I don’t know what the future holds, but if I ever do become a mother, I hope it’s while I’m in a loving and healthy relationship and not in a broken environment. But if I’m honest, I don’t think having a child is a good idea with the world as it is. So maybe everything do happens for a reason and I have to keep being okay with it.

“Speak to your children as if they are the wisest, kindest, most beautiful and magical humans on Earth, for what they believe is what they’ll become.”

Brooke hamptom

A Walk Through Memory Lane

It is exactly 9:37 p.m. in this particular moment and I was just thinking about the different conversations I had throughout the day. I spoke with different people about pretty much everything, but something that popped more than once was the past and the guilt we carry from it. For some reason, we love to navigate backwards and visit memories that aren’t always pleasant or that doesn’t compose anything anymore. I guess it’s human nature. We find it difficult to let go of the past, because it’s still a part of us, a piece of our puzzle.

The thing about the past is that we normally go there to relive beautiful moments that might no longer happen, but that at the time filled us with joy. We miss specific experiences in which we were happy, but we also travel back to ask ourselves what went wrong with us or with someone. As we’re giving it some thought, we could start overthinking; depending on what we’re remembering and we have to be really careful with digging out skeletons that should remain hidden.

Talking about the past, lets take a tour in mine. Only because I know it’s safe for me to talk about it. I remember the time were I fell into a very dark place. I honestly didn’t know if I would make it, because all I could think about was dying. Everything was falling into pieces. I was living with my mom and she kicked me out of the house because she needed privacy and was pretty much tired of me. I had to go live with my partner at that time and guess what? We broke up the second day of living together. I was allowed to live there because I had no other choice.

I did everything I could to fix the relationship, but after so many years it was all too toxic to repair. Knowing I had unsolved trauma, I decided to finally seek counseling. I had hopes that after looking for help and not giving up, that we would get back together, but we didn’t. In fact, I had to see my ex dating other woman right in front of me. It was hell, but I wasn’t financially able to support myself. I was paying for a car that took almost half my monthly paycheck and had other debts that wouldn’t allow me to afford an apartment as well. Sometimes I didn’t even had money for food.

Anyways, it didn’t take much for my ex to grow tired of having me there, so I was kicked out of there too. I had no one that could take me in. I had a cat, a dog and a lot of shit -still do- that would not fit in just one room. My mom having a new home with three empty rooms, still would not take me in. I asked for a raise, more working hours, you name it; didn’t happen. I was struggling horribly. I could not stop crying. It felt as if I was in a hole I could not get out of, no matter what I did or tried. I couldn’t stop punishing myself thinking that everything that was happening to me was because I somehow deserved it. I thought that it was Karma for all of my toxicity in the past. I told myself I wasn’t enough and that I was a bad person. I hated myself, but I had to snap out of it.

I grew a pair and started climbing that hole because I was tired of drowning in self-pity. I took a turn and made a change. I let go of the thoughts that were holding me back and I stopped punishing myself. I stopped being proud, I acknowledged where I failed and I accepted the mistakes. But most importantly, I asked myself for forgiveness. I had to forgive myself if I was to move forward with my life. The moment I forgave myself, I let go of the burden and all the weight was lift off my shoulders. I decided I was going to keep working on myself; that I would be a better human being and all of a sudden, everything started going in the right direction.

Where am I going with this? Well, we often think that we deserve to be unhappy because of what we did once to a person. We can’t let go of the guilt of having hurt someone so we decide to distance ourselves. We are often filled with unwelcome pain because we don’t know how to stop our self punishment. Sometimes we even think we are horrible people and that the universe hates us. No! We must stop thinking this way! We all deserve love and to have a chance at happiness. We are not being punished, it’s just that sometimes we have to go through some difficult life experiences to level up.

There are situations that are beyond our control and no matter what might’ve happened in the past, we cannot let them hold us back. We have to allow forgiveness for ourselves. Forgiveness is a decision to let go of grudges so we can obtain freedom, love and peace over pain and self-justified anger. We need to let go of everything that weighs us down. I know it can be tough and that it can’t be made from one day to another, but it’s not impossible. Maybe we don’t like it, but it’s in the hardest times when you actually learn, grow as a person and become wiser. If I hadn’t gone through all I went through at that time, I wouldn’t be the person that I am today. And even though, there’s still a long way to go, I can say I am damn happy and proud of the woman I’m becoming and it’s all thanks to the challenging moments I’ve experienced.

If you’re going through a bit of a rough patch, stop beating yourself up and don’t give up. Accept yourself, including your mistakes. Let go of your burden; no more guilt, no more pain, no more emptiness. Forgive yourself. Love yourself and recognize your worth. Be happy, you deserve it. Decide to be a better you for you, but remember, being a good person and doing things right doesn’t mean you’ll be exempt of facing hard times. You will have bad days and difficult situations. It is part of life and we all have to unfortunately go through them, but as you grow, you’ll learn to deal with all those situations in a better way.

Until you read me again,

The Devil’s Words

Cyclical History of Love

Late night thoughts.

Have you ever stopped to wonder about life and history? I’ve been thinking about it for quite some time and I’ve been asking myself, “Is history linear or is it cyclical?”. I think it has a little bit of both. History is linear in the way that you can only move forward, there’s no way you can fix what happened in the past, because you can’t go back. I also think it’s cyclical in the way that some events tend to repeat themselves.

Has it ever happened that you’re looking at your Facebook memories and all of a sudden you see a post from a year ago that happens to show how you’re feeling at that moment? Or maybe you wrote two years back that you were feeling sick or had a headache and you’re reading that now while being in bed feeling unwell. Well, I don’t know about you, but it has happened to me plenty. I’ve seen memories about statuses I’ve made once or twice -in different years- saying that I’m sick or saying something about being heartbroken and turns out I happened to be in the present.

Today I was looking at my Snapchat memories and I saw some pictures from three years ago of myself looking fierce and I remembered that day. I dressed to kill that night. I was meeting someone I really wanted in my life. Someone I was ready to fight for to keep, because that’s who I am. I’m a woman with a stubborn heart that will do anything and everything in her power to have what she wants and loves. Anyways, the night went well; maybe not how I might’ve wanted, but still it opened a possibility of love in the near future.

Thing is, after that night, I had to keep fighting and fighting endlessly for love. I had to show how much I wanted it, how much I was willing to change and sacrifice to obtain it and eventually, I did. I got everything I wanted at that time, but I had to earn it and beg for it and somehow, I thought it was okay. It wasn’t. It shouldn’t have been that way. I shouldn’t have to beg to be loved, it should be given naturally and willingly by the other person. Toxic behavior right there.

Being that said, having that story told; I saw myself possibly doing the same thing again. I looked at myself and saw that I wanted to keep fighting badly for someone that clearly said no to me. Why? Because stubborn as I can be, I believe that if you want something really bad you have to work and fight for it; because in my heart I can’t give up on something I believe in. I realized that I can’t keep doing this.

I am tired. Completely exhausted of fighting all my life to keep people in it. Who’s fighting for me? Who’s showing me how badly they want me in their life? No one is, and you know what? I deserve that. I deserve someone who will fight for my love. Someone that will do everything and anything not to lose me. Someone who can live without me, but still chooses not to. I deserve someone that will stick around on good days, but also on bad days. I deserve the world and more and I shouldn’t have to accept any less.

As of today I am taking off my boxing gloves. It doesn’t mean that now I will turn bitter, cold-hearted, play extremely hard to get or be a bitch that will make someone beg for her love. Gosh no! It means that if someone wants to be with me, he will have to actually show it. It means that everything has to be equal, reciprocated. As it should be. Love doesn’t just happen and stays without being cultivated; love takes building and effort and that’s something that doesn’t just happen overnight. Love is like a seed and like any seed, you have to use the right tools for it to be planted correctly. You have to take care of it every single day by giving it the right amount of water so it grows healthy. In other words, I want someone that wants to be a part of my team to help me water our love, instead of just letting it die.

I want to finish with a quote that I love from the movie Juno.
“In my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person will still think the sun shines out your ass. That’s the kind of person that’s worth sticking with.”

Never settle and never accept anything less than what you deserve.

Until you read me again,

The Devil’s Words

A Heart That Aches

Where do I begin? It’s been a while since I don’t open a blog and the thing is, I never know what to write. I mean, I do know, but don’t know how to start. There are so many thoughts going around in my head and I just never know how to organize them in order for me to actually let them out. Anyway, at least this time I am actually doing something about it and decided to just let the words flow.

What motivated me? A heartbreak of course! My heart has been ripped apart and my soul aches, so I can’t keep bottling up this emotions, because I feel everything too damn deeply. When I’m happy, I wanna eat the whole world, but when I’m hurt… Oh boy! I feel like I might die.

I suffer from anxiety, depression and I tend to overthink in a way that I think might not be healthy. So imagine suffering from all this and on top of that, having my heart broken in the middle of a pandemic, where I am stuck at home, by myself. Yes, I am going nuts here, so I needed to do something. I needed to write and then write some more.

The universe has a very funny sense of humor and it has been laughing at me for quite some time, but this time it went really far. I’ve had many serious relationships and they have ended, obviously, and mostly in a very bad way. Now, I know that I have been the problem in the past, in some ways. I do recognize that I have been toxic. Extremely toxic, but I guess that I was young and still growing and learning. I looked for help, stayed single and actually started growing into a much better human being. I’m pretty sure I paid my debts with Karma. Or did I?

Well, not so long ago I decided to open an account on a dating site. I tried to be open about it since I barely go out and I don’t have that many friends; and the ones I do have, are married or live on another country, so I don’t get to meet that many people. I closed the account after a week. I found it exhausting talking to so many strangers and having empty conversations. It was boring and it kind of overwhelmed me. I tried it, wasn’t my thing. Now, there was someone that really interested me, so before I deleted the account, I added him on pretty much all my social media so I could actually keep in contact and get to know him more.

Long story short, after talking for some time we finally saw each other in person. I remember being so nervous and excited at the same time, because it was a whole new experience for me. I remember the first time I saw him. He looked different from the photos, but in a good way. He had that geeky nervous look and I just adored it. He was more nervous than I was. I immediately felt like I was home, such a peaceful feeling.

From the very first time we started seeing each other I could be myself without restrictions. I felt like I could be completely open and he wouldn’t judge me. I trusted him and I know he trusted me too. As the days went by, we shared amazing moments. We texted every day, we joked, we cooked together, he helped me around the apartment, I helped him and we created a beautiful bond. He hated the fact that I loved sugar so much and I hated the fact that he would get everything wet because he might as well be a fish. But at the very end, even though I “hated it”, I was okay with it and did nothing but laugh at the water everywhere because I had no other choice. He was like that, I accepted it and had no intention of changing him.

He is this very smart man that has a very wide knowledge of the most random things. He knows a lot about animals and medical things. He’s constantly learning, because he likes to look into things he doesn’t know, about medical conditions he might hear on a tv show, etc. He always has something to say and I believe that he thinks he’s always right, but is he?

Anyways, the thing is I started to fall in love with him. How could I not? He was incredibly affectionate, he cooked for me, he fed me, he bathe me, he knew how to kiss me and make love to me. He made me laugh and made me feel like the luckiest girl. I truly believed that the universe got tired of me asking for a specific man, that it actually gave me him. Everyone kept telling me how happy I looked and that I had a special glow, but eventually that glow faded away.

Out of nowhere, he got distant and started evading me. I gave him space, but then I had to confront him, because I couldn’t take the rejection. Thing is, I knew what my heart didn’t want to accept. He had lost interest in me, I felt it. He decided he no longer wanted me, so he would hide and not face me. Everything fell into pieces and had ended. Imagine having a beautiful time with your lover on a Monday morning and then never seeing him again without explanation. I had to confront him one last time after confessing my feelings to him. I wanted to know what changed, what happened and no. There was no other woman.

He found the courage and actually answered all my questions for my mental health. He thought of three stupid reasons, or excuses honestly, and just got it over with. He cares about me, but not how I would like him to. He had a wonderful time and was completely happy with me, but it still wasn’t enough. At least not enough to make him stay and actually give it a try. None of it made any sense to me, still doesn’t and I believe it never will. At the end of the day it doesn’t matter, he still decided to walk away and there’s nothing I can do to change that and I have to learn to accept it.

I gave my best self and my all to him. I showed him how much I cared with words and actions. I showed him how much I loved him and even though I thought he was showing me that he cared and loved me too, he really wasn’t and he just didn’t.

Do I love him? I do. I really and deeply do, even in the short amount of time we spent together. Will I get over it? It will be difficult, but I have to. I have no other choice.

Did I learn something? Of course I did. Every experience teaches us something, especially the hardest ones. I learned that no matter how good you are to someone, that doesn’t mean that the person has to correspond you. I learned that you can’t be too good to someone and give your everything so fast. I learned that I need to have better judgement and to actually read people better. I learned that I need to guard my heart and that I can’t trust too quickly. I learned that anyone who wants to be in my life will simply decide every day to be a part of it and I won’t even have to ask.

I am not okay and I don’t know when I will be. The sadness in my heart right now feels unbearable and my soul feels heavy, but I’ll live. I think I’ve been through worst and still haven’t died, I don’t think it’ll happen now. It’s time to start detoxifying myself from him, so I will cry him out until there’s nothing left and just let everything die slowly.

Maybe our hearts will meet again and this time we’ll both be ready or maybe we won’t. Time will only tell if we were perfect for each other at the wrong time so we had to wait for a while or if we were never meant to be at all.

Until you read me again,

The Devil’s Words.

“Marry Me” Memories.

So, I wanted to write again and let every thought out, because I am truly tired of not speaking and just holding everything back. I decided to keep writing on this (old) blog, instead of just opening a new one.

I think it would have been a better idea to start from scratch, but there are memories in this blog I’d like to keep, because they belong to the same person. The one I want to write about.

Being that said; I decided to read what I had written here and the first post I see is “Marry Me” and I have to admit, it just broke me.

It really broke my heart to see that I wanted to marry someone and never did anything about it. What was I waiting? For her to magically asked me between our cloudy days we were having? Why did she had to ask me? Because I’m a woman and it was my dream for someone to ask me the wonderful question “Will you marry me?” “Will you do me the honor of being my wife?” What for? She is also a woman.

Oh! But when years pass, you’re not with her anymore and someone pops up the question.. you ask yourself “Why?” “Why ask me?” “Why you?” “Where’s my life going?” “Why am I with this person, when I have never stopped loving you?” “What have I done?”

But I see clearly. I see and understand that you have to act on what you truly feel. You can’t wait for life to take you someplace it wants. YOU have to take yourself where you want to be. YOU have to act on what you want without waiting for the other person to take the next step. But most importantly, you have to fight for what you want; and I should have fought. I should have fought with you, and who knows? Maybe right now, you would’ve been my wife.

-J

(11/27/2012) 2140

“con o sin tatuajes,
con o sin maquillaje,
con todo o sin nada,
eres y serás la
mujer más hermosa
del mundo.”
– Elsie

Estaba buscando en la cajita de recuerdos, pero recuerdos especiales. Estos son recuerdos de una persona en especial que quiero mucho. Buscando encontré el papelito donde estaba eso escrito. Recuerdo estaba trabajando y ella me lo entregó. Fue lo más hermoso que había recibido y nuevamente había logrado derretirme.