Cyclical History of Love

Late night thoughts.

Have you ever stopped to wonder about life and history? I’ve been thinking about it for quite some time and I’ve been asking myself, “Is history linear or is it cyclical?”. I think it has a little bit of both. History is linear in the way that you can only move forward, there’s no way you can fix what happened in the past, because you can’t go back. I also think it’s cyclical in the way that some events tend to repeat themselves.

Has it ever happened that you’re looking at your Facebook memories and all of a sudden you see a post from a year ago that happens to show how you’re feeling at that moment? Or maybe you wrote two years back that you were feeling sick or had a headache and you’re reading that now while being in bed feeling unwell. Well, I don’t know about you, but it has happened to me plenty. I’ve seen memories about statuses I’ve made once or twice -in different years- saying that I’m sick or saying something about being heartbroken and turns out I happened to be in the present.

Today I was looking at my Snapchat memories and I saw some pictures from three years ago of myself looking fierce and I remembered that day. I dressed to kill that night. I was meeting someone I really wanted in my life. Someone I was ready to fight for to keep, because that’s who I am. I’m a woman with a stubborn heart that will do anything and everything in her power to have what she wants and loves. Anyways, the night went well; maybe not how I might’ve wanted, but still it opened a possibility of love in the near future.

Thing is, after that night, I had to keep fighting and fighting endlessly for love. I had to show how much I wanted it, how much I was willing to change and sacrifice to obtain it and eventually, I did. I got everything I wanted at that time, but I had to earn it and beg for it and somehow, I thought it was okay. It wasn’t. It shouldn’t have been that way. I shouldn’t have to beg to be loved, it should be given naturally and willingly by the other person. Toxic behavior right there.

Being that said, having that story told; I saw myself possibly doing the same thing again. I looked at myself and saw that I wanted to keep fighting badly for someone that clearly said no to me. Why? Because stubborn as I can be, I believe that if you want something really bad you have to work and fight for it; because in my heart I can’t give up on something I believe in. I realized that I can’t keep doing this.

I am tired. Completely exhausted of fighting all my life to keep people in it. Who’s fighting for me? Who’s showing me how badly they want me in their life? No one is, and you know what? I deserve that. I deserve someone who will fight for my love. Someone that will do everything and anything not to lose me. Someone who can live without me, but still chooses not to. I deserve someone that will stick around on good days, but also on bad days. I deserve the world and more and I shouldn’t have to accept any less.

As of today I am taking off my boxing gloves. It doesn’t mean that now I will turn bitter, cold-hearted, play extremely hard to get or be a bitch that will make someone beg for her love. Gosh no! It means that if someone wants to be with me, he will have to actually show it. It means that everything has to be equal, reciprocated. As it should be. Love doesn’t just happen and stays without being cultivated; love takes building and effort and that’s something that doesn’t just happen overnight. Love is like a seed and like any seed, you have to use the right tools for it to be planted correctly. You have to take care of it every single day by giving it the right amount of water so it grows healthy. In other words, I want someone that wants to be a part of my team to help me water our love, instead of just letting it die.

I want to finish with a quote that I love from the movie Juno.
“In my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person will still think the sun shines out your ass. That’s the kind of person that’s worth sticking with.”

Never settle and never accept anything less than what you deserve.

Until you read me again,

The Devil’s Words

Kiss me with your love, infect me with your poison.

Seeing her gave me joy and happiness. Everything seemed normal, like nothing had changed, but it had. Everything was different.

Kissing her was like going home. Between emotions, our lips touched. That was not supposed to happen, but it did.

Now I find myself here thinking about what happened and why did it happen. I am so confused. Did I really made a wise choice by leaving her? Is she my home? Questions, questions.. but I can’t be with her right now, or anyone, I believe.

I think that everything that happened had to happen, because everything happens for a reason, and maybe that wasn’t our time. Maybe it’s now, maybe it’ll be tomorrow, maybe it’ll be in a year or two, maybe never. I don’t know and I want to know, but honestly.. there’s nothing I can do, but to sit and let life decide whatever it is I really need.