While on a Mental Breakdown

I can’t stop crying and I can’t seem to shut down my thoughts. I just want all of this to stop because the burden is getting bigger and stronger with each passing day, no matter the lies I tell myself. I am trying, I really am. I promise.

I wish someone didn’t have that much control over my life, because that’s exactly how I feel. I wish my mind would just let go and keep quiet, no more overthinking.

I am starting to see why people hide their feelings. I am starting to see why people keep quiet. I am starting to see and understand why some things are better left unsaid or unanswered. It is because the pain grows bigger when you share how you feel and the other person still doesn’t care or still decides to walk away. How can that be? I honestly think it would’ve been better if he had never read those letters I sent him, if he never fully knew my feelings towards him. It would’ve been better if I had never asked him what happened.

I know that I can’t control how other people feel about me. I know that I have to understand and move on, that it’s difficult but not impossible. Even though I know all of this information, I still don’t accept or acknowledge it. I want to, I really do. I just can’t right now.

I wish he would’ve been a bad person, someone that hadn’t treated me as good as he did, because maybe; just maybe, this would’ve been easier for me. I wish he had said something from the very beginning. How hard can it really be for someone to say “I just want something physical”, “I don’t want anything serious”, “I’m looking for someone to hang with when I’m bored”, “I’m looking for a fuck buddy on my terms” and then give the other person the chance to decide whether or not they want to stay. Why act as if you’re in or want a relationship when you don’t? And then have the audacity when all of it explodes, to say that you didn’t mean to hurt me. Well, what exactly did you think was going to happen after leading me on so much?

I am hurt, scared, destroyed and so much more; but I am also FURIOUS!!! The level of anger and frustration I’m feeling is consuming and all I want to do is SCREAM!! Scream until I can’t any longer. I want to let it all out, because I can’t take this anymore. I can’t.

But the truth is, that no matter the pain or the anger… I honestly wish deep down he had never let me go or that at least he would’ve been brave enough to fight for this instead of doing what he always does. Find an excuse and just evaporate from one’s life.

I still wish the best for him. I wish he finds courage, strength, forgiveness and healing. I want him genuinely happy, with or without me.

“She was a giver.
Always poured, too much of love.

Never realized watering rock doesn’t make it soft.”

Cyclical History of Love

Late night thoughts.

Have you ever stopped to wonder about life and history? I’ve been thinking about it for quite some time and I’ve been asking myself, “Is history linear or is it cyclical?”. I think it has a little bit of both. History is linear in the way that you can only move forward, there’s no way you can fix what happened in the past, because you can’t go back. I also think it’s cyclical in the way that some events tend to repeat themselves.

Has it ever happened that you’re looking at your Facebook memories and all of a sudden you see a post from a year ago that happens to show how you’re feeling at that moment? Or maybe you wrote two years back that you were feeling sick or had a headache and you’re reading that now while being in bed feeling unwell. Well, I don’t know about you, but it has happened to me plenty. I’ve seen memories about statuses I’ve made once or twice -in different years- saying that I’m sick or saying something about being heartbroken and turns out I happened to be in the present.

Today I was looking at my Snapchat memories and I saw some pictures from three years ago of myself looking fierce and I remembered that day. I dressed to kill that night. I was meeting someone I really wanted in my life. Someone I was ready to fight for to keep, because that’s who I am. I’m a woman with a stubborn heart that will do anything and everything in her power to have what she wants and loves. Anyways, the night went well; maybe not how I might’ve wanted, but still it opened a possibility of love in the near future.

Thing is, after that night, I had to keep fighting and fighting endlessly for love. I had to show how much I wanted it, how much I was willing to change and sacrifice to obtain it and eventually, I did. I got everything I wanted at that time, but I had to earn it and beg for it and somehow, I thought it was okay. It wasn’t. It shouldn’t have been that way. I shouldn’t have to beg to be loved, it should be given naturally and willingly by the other person. Toxic behavior right there.

Being that said, having that story told; I saw myself possibly doing the same thing again. I looked at myself and saw that I wanted to keep fighting badly for someone that clearly said no to me. Why? Because stubborn as I can be, I believe that if you want something really bad you have to work and fight for it; because in my heart I can’t give up on something I believe in. I realized that I can’t keep doing this.

I am tired. Completely exhausted of fighting all my life to keep people in it. Who’s fighting for me? Who’s showing me how badly they want me in their life? No one is, and you know what? I deserve that. I deserve someone who will fight for my love. Someone that will do everything and anything not to lose me. Someone who can live without me, but still chooses not to. I deserve someone that will stick around on good days, but also on bad days. I deserve the world and more and I shouldn’t have to accept any less.

As of today I am taking off my boxing gloves. It doesn’t mean that now I will turn bitter, cold-hearted, play extremely hard to get or be a bitch that will make someone beg for her love. Gosh no! It means that if someone wants to be with me, he will have to actually show it. It means that everything has to be equal, reciprocated. As it should be. Love doesn’t just happen and stays without being cultivated; love takes building and effort and that’s something that doesn’t just happen overnight. Love is like a seed and like any seed, you have to use the right tools for it to be planted correctly. You have to take care of it every single day by giving it the right amount of water so it grows healthy. In other words, I want someone that wants to be a part of my team to help me water our love, instead of just letting it die.

I want to finish with a quote that I love from the movie Juno.
“In my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person will still think the sun shines out your ass. That’s the kind of person that’s worth sticking with.”

Never settle and never accept anything less than what you deserve.

Until you read me again,

The Devil’s Words

A Heart That Aches

Where do I begin? It’s been a while since I don’t open a blog and the thing is, I never know what to write. I mean, I do know, but don’t know how to start. There are so many thoughts going around in my head and I just never know how to organize them in order for me to actually let them out. Anyway, at least this time I am actually doing something about it and decided to just let the words flow.

What motivated me? A heartbreak of course! My heart has been ripped apart and my soul aches, so I can’t keep bottling up this emotions, because I feel everything too damn deeply. When I’m happy, I wanna eat the whole world, but when I’m hurt… Oh boy! I feel like I might die.

I suffer from anxiety, depression and I tend to overthink in a way that I think might not be healthy. So imagine suffering from all this and on top of that, having my heart broken in the middle of a pandemic, where I am stuck at home, by myself. Yes, I am going nuts here, so I needed to do something. I needed to write and then write some more.

The universe has a very funny sense of humor and it has been laughing at me for quite some time, but this time it went really far. I’ve had many serious relationships and they have ended, obviously, and mostly in a very bad way. Now, I know that I have been the problem in the past, in some ways. I do recognize that I have been toxic. Extremely toxic, but I guess that I was young and still growing and learning. I looked for help, stayed single and actually started growing into a much better human being. I’m pretty sure I paid my debts with Karma. Or did I?

Well, not so long ago I decided to open an account on a dating site. I tried to be open about it since I barely go out and I don’t have that many friends; and the ones I do have, are married or live on another country, so I don’t get to meet that many people. I closed the account after a week. I found it exhausting talking to so many strangers and having empty conversations. It was boring and it kind of overwhelmed me. I tried it, wasn’t my thing. Now, there was someone that really interested me, so before I deleted the account, I added him on pretty much all my social media so I could actually keep in contact and get to know him more.

Long story short, after talking for some time we finally saw each other in person. I remember being so nervous and excited at the same time, because it was a whole new experience for me. I remember the first time I saw him. He looked different from the photos, but in a good way. He had that geeky nervous look and I just adored it. He was more nervous than I was. I immediately felt like I was home, such a peaceful feeling.

From the very first time we started seeing each other I could be myself without restrictions. I felt like I could be completely open and he wouldn’t judge me. I trusted him and I know he trusted me too. As the days went by, we shared amazing moments. We texted every day, we joked, we cooked together, he helped me around the apartment, I helped him and we created a beautiful bond. He hated the fact that I loved sugar so much and I hated the fact that he would get everything wet because he might as well be a fish. But at the very end, even though I “hated it”, I was okay with it and did nothing but laugh at the water everywhere because I had no other choice. He was like that, I accepted it and had no intention of changing him.

He is this very smart man that has a very wide knowledge of the most random things. He knows a lot about animals and medical things. He’s constantly learning, because he likes to look into things he doesn’t know, about medical conditions he might hear on a tv show, etc. He always has something to say and I believe that he thinks he’s always right, but is he?

Anyways, the thing is I started to fall in love with him. How could I not? He was incredibly affectionate, he cooked for me, he fed me, he bathe me, he knew how to kiss me and make love to me. He made me laugh and made me feel like the luckiest girl. I truly believed that the universe got tired of me asking for a specific man, that it actually gave me him. Everyone kept telling me how happy I looked and that I had a special glow, but eventually that glow faded away.

Out of nowhere, he got distant and started evading me. I gave him space, but then I had to confront him, because I couldn’t take the rejection. Thing is, I knew what my heart didn’t want to accept. He had lost interest in me, I felt it. He decided he no longer wanted me, so he would hide and not face me. Everything fell into pieces and had ended. Imagine having a beautiful time with your lover on a Monday morning and then never seeing him again without explanation. I had to confront him one last time after confessing my feelings to him. I wanted to know what changed, what happened and no. There was no other woman.

He found the courage and actually answered all my questions for my mental health. He thought of three stupid reasons, or excuses honestly, and just got it over with. He cares about me, but not how I would like him to. He had a wonderful time and was completely happy with me, but it still wasn’t enough. At least not enough to make him stay and actually give it a try. None of it made any sense to me, still doesn’t and I believe it never will. At the end of the day it doesn’t matter, he still decided to walk away and there’s nothing I can do to change that and I have to learn to accept it.

I gave my best self and my all to him. I showed him how much I cared with words and actions. I showed him how much I loved him and even though I thought he was showing me that he cared and loved me too, he really wasn’t and he just didn’t.

Do I love him? I do. I really and deeply do, even in the short amount of time we spent together. Will I get over it? It will be difficult, but I have to. I have no other choice.

Did I learn something? Of course I did. Every experience teaches us something, especially the hardest ones. I learned that no matter how good you are to someone, that doesn’t mean that the person has to correspond you. I learned that you can’t be too good to someone and give your everything so fast. I learned that I need to have better judgement and to actually read people better. I learned that I need to guard my heart and that I can’t trust too quickly. I learned that anyone who wants to be in my life will simply decide every day to be a part of it and I won’t even have to ask.

I am not okay and I don’t know when I will be. The sadness in my heart right now feels unbearable and my soul feels heavy, but I’ll live. I think I’ve been through worst and still haven’t died, I don’t think it’ll happen now. It’s time to start detoxifying myself from him, so I will cry him out until there’s nothing left and just let everything die slowly.

Maybe our hearts will meet again and this time we’ll both be ready or maybe we won’t. Time will only tell if we were perfect for each other at the wrong time so we had to wait for a while or if we were never meant to be at all.

Until you read me again,

The Devil’s Words.