I can’t stop crying and I can’t seem to shut down my thoughts. I just want all of this to stop because the burden is getting bigger and stronger with each passing day, no matter the lies I tell myself. I am trying, I really am. I promise.
I wish someone didn’t have that much control over my life, because that’s exactly how I feel. I wish my mind would just let go and keep quiet, no more overthinking.
I am starting to see why people hide their feelings. I am starting to see why people keep quiet. I am starting to see and understand why some things are better left unsaid or unanswered. It is because the pain grows bigger when you share how you feel and the other person still doesn’t care or still decides to walk away. How can that be? I honestly think it would’ve been better if he had never read those letters I sent him, if he never fully knew my feelings towards him. It would’ve been better if I had never asked him what happened.
I know that I can’t control how other people feel about me. I know that I have to understand and move on, that it’s difficult but not impossible. Even though I know all of this information, I still don’t accept or acknowledge it. I want to, I really do. I just can’t right now.
I wish he would’ve been a bad person, someone that hadn’t treated me as good as he did, because maybe; just maybe, this would’ve been easier for me. I wish he had said something from the very beginning. How hard can it really be for someone to say “I just want something physical”, “I don’t want anything serious”, “I’m looking for someone to hang with when I’m bored”, “I’m looking for a fuck buddy on my terms” and then give the other person the chance to decide whether or not they want to stay. Why act as if you’re in or want a relationship when you don’t? And then have the audacity when all of it explodes, to say that you didn’t mean to hurt me. Well, what exactly did you think was going to happen after leading me on so much?
I am hurt, scared, destroyed and so much more; but I am also FURIOUS!!! The level of anger and frustration I’m feeling is consuming and all I want to do is SCREAM!! Scream until I can’t any longer. I want to let it all out, because I can’t take this anymore. I can’t.
But the truth is, that no matter the pain or the anger… I honestly wish deep down he had never let me go or that at least he would’ve been brave enough to fight for this instead of doing what he always does. Find an excuse and just evaporate from one’s life.
I still wish the best for him. I wish he finds courage, strength, forgiveness and healing. I want him genuinely happy, with or without me.
“She was a giver.
Always poured, too much of love.
Never realized watering rock doesn’t make it soft.”
The Devil's Words 