Where do I begin? It’s been a while since I don’t open a blog and the thing is, I never know what to write. I mean, I do know, but don’t know how to start. There are so many thoughts going around in my head and I just never know how to organize them in order for me to actually let them out. Anyway, at least this time I am actually doing something about it and decided to just let the words flow.
What motivated me? A heartbreak of course! My heart has been ripped apart and my soul aches, so I can’t keep bottling up this emotions, because I feel everything too damn deeply. When I’m happy, I wanna eat the whole world, but when I’m hurt… Oh boy! I feel like I might die.
I suffer from anxiety, depression and I tend to overthink in a way that I think might not be healthy. So imagine suffering from all this and on top of that, having my heart broken in the middle of a pandemic, where I am stuck at home, by myself. Yes, I am going nuts here, so I needed to do something. I needed to write and then write some more.
The universe has a very funny sense of humor and it has been laughing at me for quite some time, but this time it went really far. I’ve had many serious relationships and they have ended, obviously, and mostly in a very bad way. Now, I know that I have been the problem in the past, in some ways. I do recognize that I have been toxic. Extremely toxic, but I guess that I was young and still growing and learning. I looked for help, stayed single and actually started growing into a much better human being. I’m pretty sure I paid my debts with Karma. Or did I?
Well, not so long ago I decided to open an account on a dating site. I tried to be open about it since I barely go out and I don’t have that many friends; and the ones I do have, are married or live on another country, so I don’t get to meet that many people. I closed the account after a week. I found it exhausting talking to so many strangers and having empty conversations. It was boring and it kind of overwhelmed me. I tried it, wasn’t my thing. Now, there was someone that really interested me, so before I deleted the account, I added him on pretty much all my social media so I could actually keep in contact and get to know him more.
Long story short, after talking for some time we finally saw each other in person. I remember being so nervous and excited at the same time, because it was a whole new experience for me. I remember the first time I saw him. He looked different from the photos, but in a good way. He had that geeky nervous look and I just adored it. He was more nervous than I was. I immediately felt like I was home, such a peaceful feeling.
From the very first time we started seeing each other I could be myself without restrictions. I felt like I could be completely open and he wouldn’t judge me. I trusted him and I know he trusted me too. As the days went by, we shared amazing moments. We texted every day, we joked, we cooked together, he helped me around the apartment, I helped him and we created a beautiful bond. He hated the fact that I loved sugar so much and I hated the fact that he would get everything wet because he might as well be a fish. But at the very end, even though I “hated it”, I was okay with it and did nothing but laugh at the water everywhere because I had no other choice. He was like that, I accepted it and had no intention of changing him.
He is this very smart man that has a very wide knowledge of the most random things. He knows a lot about animals and medical things. He’s constantly learning, because he likes to look into things he doesn’t know, about medical conditions he might hear on a tv show, etc. He always has something to say and I believe that he thinks he’s always right, but is he?
Anyways, the thing is I started to fall in love with him. How could I not? He was incredibly affectionate, he cooked for me, he fed me, he bathe me, he knew how to kiss me and make love to me. He made me laugh and made me feel like the luckiest girl. I truly believed that the universe got tired of me asking for a specific man, that it actually gave me him. Everyone kept telling me how happy I looked and that I had a special glow, but eventually that glow faded away.
Out of nowhere, he got distant and started evading me. I gave him space, but then I had to confront him, because I couldn’t take the rejection. Thing is, I knew what my heart didn’t want to accept. He had lost interest in me, I felt it. He decided he no longer wanted me, so he would hide and not face me. Everything fell into pieces and had ended. Imagine having a beautiful time with your lover on a Monday morning and then never seeing him again without explanation. I had to confront him one last time after confessing my feelings to him. I wanted to know what changed, what happened and no. There was no other woman.
He found the courage and actually answered all my questions for my mental health. He thought of three stupid reasons, or excuses honestly, and just got it over with. He cares about me, but not how I would like him to. He had a wonderful time and was completely happy with me, but it still wasn’t enough. At least not enough to make him stay and actually give it a try. None of it made any sense to me, still doesn’t and I believe it never will. At the end of the day it doesn’t matter, he still decided to walk away and there’s nothing I can do to change that and I have to learn to accept it.
I gave my best self and my all to him. I showed him how much I cared with words and actions. I showed him how much I loved him and even though I thought he was showing me that he cared and loved me too, he really wasn’t and he just didn’t.
Do I love him? I do. I really and deeply do, even in the short amount of time we spent together. Will I get over it? It will be difficult, but I have to. I have no other choice.
Did I learn something? Of course I did. Every experience teaches us something, especially the hardest ones. I learned that no matter how good you are to someone, that doesn’t mean that the person has to correspond you. I learned that you can’t be too good to someone and give your everything so fast. I learned that I need to have better judgement and to actually read people better. I learned that I need to guard my heart and that I can’t trust too quickly. I learned that anyone who wants to be in my life will simply decide every day to be a part of it and I won’t even have to ask.
I am not okay and I don’t know when I will be. The sadness in my heart right now feels unbearable and my soul feels heavy, but I’ll live. I think I’ve been through worst and still haven’t died, I don’t think it’ll happen now. It’s time to start detoxifying myself from him, so I will cry him out until there’s nothing left and just let everything die slowly.
Maybe our hearts will meet again and this time we’ll both be ready or maybe we won’t. Time will only tell if we were perfect for each other at the wrong time so we had to wait for a while or if we were never meant to be at all.
Until you read me again,
The Devil’s Words.
The Devil's Words 