A Walk Through Memory Lane

It is exactly 9:37 p.m. in this particular moment and I was just thinking about the different conversations I had throughout the day. I spoke with different people about pretty much everything, but something that popped more than once was the past and the guilt we carry from it. For some reason, we love to navigate backwards and visit memories that aren’t always pleasant or that doesn’t compose anything anymore. I guess it’s human nature. We find it difficult to let go of the past, because it’s still a part of us, a piece of our puzzle.

The thing about the past is that we normally go there to relive beautiful moments that might no longer happen, but that at the time filled us with joy. We miss specific experiences in which we were happy, but we also travel back to ask ourselves what went wrong with us or with someone. As we’re giving it some thought, we could start overthinking; depending on what we’re remembering and we have to be really careful with digging out skeletons that should remain hidden.

Talking about the past, lets take a tour in mine. Only because I know it’s safe for me to talk about it. I remember the time were I fell into a very dark place. I honestly didn’t know if I would make it, because all I could think about was dying. Everything was falling into pieces. I was living with my mom and she kicked me out of the house because she needed privacy and was pretty much tired of me. I had to go live with my partner at that time and guess what? We broke up the second day of living together. I was allowed to live there because I had no other choice.

I did everything I could to fix the relationship, but after so many years it was all too toxic to repair. Knowing I had unsolved trauma, I decided to finally seek counseling. I had hopes that after looking for help and not giving up, that we would get back together, but we didn’t. In fact, I had to see my ex dating other woman right in front of me. It was hell, but I wasn’t financially able to support myself. I was paying for a car that took almost half my monthly paycheck and had other debts that wouldn’t allow me to afford an apartment as well. Sometimes I didn’t even had money for food.

Anyways, it didn’t take much for my ex to grow tired of having me there, so I was kicked out of there too. I had no one that could take me in. I had a cat, a dog and a lot of shit -still do- that would not fit in just one room. My mom having a new home with three empty rooms, still would not take me in. I asked for a raise, more working hours, you name it; didn’t happen. I was struggling horribly. I could not stop crying. It felt as if I was in a hole I could not get out of, no matter what I did or tried. I couldn’t stop punishing myself thinking that everything that was happening to me was because I somehow deserved it. I thought that it was Karma for all of my toxicity in the past. I told myself I wasn’t enough and that I was a bad person. I hated myself, but I had to snap out of it.

I grew a pair and started climbing that hole because I was tired of drowning in self-pity. I took a turn and made a change. I let go of the thoughts that were holding me back and I stopped punishing myself. I stopped being proud, I acknowledged where I failed and I accepted the mistakes. But most importantly, I asked myself for forgiveness. I had to forgive myself if I was to move forward with my life. The moment I forgave myself, I let go of the burden and all the weight was lift off my shoulders. I decided I was going to keep working on myself; that I would be a better human being and all of a sudden, everything started going in the right direction.

Where am I going with this? Well, we often think that we deserve to be unhappy because of what we did once to a person. We can’t let go of the guilt of having hurt someone so we decide to distance ourselves. We are often filled with unwelcome pain because we don’t know how to stop our self punishment. Sometimes we even think we are horrible people and that the universe hates us. No! We must stop thinking this way! We all deserve love and to have a chance at happiness. We are not being punished, it’s just that sometimes we have to go through some difficult life experiences to level up.

There are situations that are beyond our control and no matter what might’ve happened in the past, we cannot let them hold us back. We have to allow forgiveness for ourselves. Forgiveness is a decision to let go of grudges so we can obtain freedom, love and peace over pain and self-justified anger. We need to let go of everything that weighs us down. I know it can be tough and that it can’t be made from one day to another, but it’s not impossible. Maybe we don’t like it, but it’s in the hardest times when you actually learn, grow as a person and become wiser. If I hadn’t gone through all I went through at that time, I wouldn’t be the person that I am today. And even though, there’s still a long way to go, I can say I am damn happy and proud of the woman I’m becoming and it’s all thanks to the challenging moments I’ve experienced.

If you’re going through a bit of a rough patch, stop beating yourself up and don’t give up. Accept yourself, including your mistakes. Let go of your burden; no more guilt, no more pain, no more emptiness. Forgive yourself. Love yourself and recognize your worth. Be happy, you deserve it. Decide to be a better you for you, but remember, being a good person and doing things right doesn’t mean you’ll be exempt of facing hard times. You will have bad days and difficult situations. It is part of life and we all have to unfortunately go through them, but as you grow, you’ll learn to deal with all those situations in a better way.

Until you read me again,

The Devil’s Words